I think I have about 20 posts saved in the drafts of WordPress, and that’s not counting the random scribbles and notes i have on my phone. Obviously I’m not very good with keeping up with this, but it’s not like I have a schedule for making blog posts anyways. I think the whole “Eat when you’re hungry” kind of living sums up how I’ve run this blog. Anyways, how are YOU doing?? It’s almost the end of 2025, and I wonder if you’re achieving whatever you meant out to achieve this year. I wish I could say I’m close to accomplishing what I set out to, but I’d be lying to you through a WordPress blog. I think so much has happened in the past X amount of months that I won’t ever post those drafts, but who knows??? I’ll keep them as drafts for now and maybe I’ll change my mind.

When I look back on how I started this year, it feels like it’s been an uphill journey. I started off strong with so many goals and aspirations for what I want out of the year. I wanted to lock down on my health more, keeping up with my regular check ups, seeing a therapist, meal prepping more and weight lifting consistently. I wanted to fix my Subaru up more, finally move out of this house and somewhere closer to my work in Tampa. I wanted to take my goals of becoming a cybersecurity professional more serious, and pony up the money for some of the harder certifications in the industry. I took on a new job in the National Guard, thinking I could breeze through it and finally make some good changes for the unit through the communications section. So many goals in such a short time. All of this to say, I don’t feel like I’ve really made it far this year.

What’s happened so far: Relapse after relapse of skipping the gym, eating like crap, picking up some bad habits like smoking and drinking, quitting my therapy sessions, and who knows what else. I ended up not only neglecting my car, but I even ended up crashing it! If I really loved that car as much as I thought I did, how could I even fathom letting something like that happen? Craziness. I feel like I can’t keep up with life anymore. I can’t even remember things people tell me WHILE they tell me unless I right it down. My mind races at 1000 miles per hour, and I lack the discipline I used to have even a couple years ago. Getting up everyday at 6AM to work out??? 23 year old me would laugh that off and just get up. Now? Take a guess at how many alarms I need just to get out of bed. Could I get back to that point?? I don’t really know anymore.

I think one of the biggest ways I fail myself is all of the projects I start, but never finish. One goal of mine I’ve always wanted to do was create a video game, and publish it to Steam. Doesn’t have to be anything crazy, I don’t even have to make money off of it. I just want to make something myself, to know that I can. I grew up on video games, and if high-school me knew that I’d be trying to make a video game, he’d probably jump and scream on the inside. High-school me would also just be in disbelief at owning a Japanese right hand drive Subaru Impreza WRX STI! I remember browsing in high school the Japanese Classics website finding the earliest 1993 Subaru Impreza WRXs that were going to be legal in the United States, thinking the price was insane ($13,000ish). Now, he’d probably be appalled at how I’ve managed to lost such an iconic piece of automotive culture. No point in dwelling on past mistakes, but damn that stings.

I’m kind of just jumping back and forward on different ideas that come into my head as I write this, but here’s a question for you. Do you ever do something crazy embarrassing, and it’s so embarrassing that you keep thinking about it over and over and over and over and over and over again until you can’t take it??? I definitely do. I was reminded of that again very recently, when I had to do something very out of my comfort zone by public speaking, and very much butchering some of the speech. It’s so weird, because it can be something simple, and I won’t even stress about it in the time leading up to whatever event it is. Once the time comes, however, and I begin to speak in front of others, it’s like a giant spotlight hits my face and a nerve agent poisons me with an unexplainable nervousness that I can barely control. Sometimes I stutter or slur my words, sometimes I just struggle to maintain eye contact, sometimes I just can’t stop shaking my leg or fidgeting. Why am I like this??? The ironic part is that the unbearable part is what comes after. Days, weeks or sometimes months later, I’ll be stuck thinking about that one event that maybe nobody even remembers (If I’m lucky). I wish I could say I was one of those people that just don’t care what others think, but that’s just a lie I say to make myself feel better.

What I HAVE done this year: I started going to more places and events alone to try to get out of my introverted shell. I have been putting in wayyyyy too much effort into my national guard job than my mental health can take. Speaking of that, anytime I hear someone mentioning something like “Oh you’re doing great, S6!”, ” You’ve done more in X months than we’ve had in the past X amount of years!”, stuff like that just feels so wrong. I don’t even know what I’m doing, I’m just trying really hard lol. I really hate that phenomenon of “becoming accidentally important”. It’s happened in my National Guard career, and now it feels like it’s happening in my civilian career too. I’m way more okay with it on the civ side though, because I really really really really really really like my job! The work is fun/rewarding, the benefits and hours are outstanding, and the people make me feel like home. I mean literally, I almost dread going back home to an empty house when I could hang out with my friends at work just a little bit longer some days. I do really like my section in the National Guard too, but it’s just a completely different beast. I can’t say whether I would or wouldn’t have done things differently, but I will at least say I stepped out of my comfort zone to try this new position when nobody else did. Win or lose, I volunteered. Admittedly, I think I’m ready to hang up the gloves soon, this job is NOT good for my mental health OR my work-life balance (what is that?).

I’ve noticed that a lot of what I’ve done this year to try and “make high school me proud” isn’t the good changes I need to make. I’m not much different of a person, I just HAVE different things now. That motorcycle I’ve always wanted since high school? I ride it now! That tattoo I’ve always been thinking about getting? Etched into my skin for years to come. Those games I wanted? Car I wanted? Same story over and over again. I’ve obtained a lot, but I haven’t CHANGED a lot. I haven’t become the person I want to become. How do you even start that? Like, do people actually change on a personal level without some crazy traumatic event happening??? Can I wake up one day and think, “I’d like to be a more bubbly person. I want to make people smile more, and not be as down or angry anymore”? I don’t necessarily want to become a DIFFERENT person, but I just want to be a BETTER person, y’know??? A true and proper adult, if you will. Someone that, IF I ever had a kid, they could look up to and use as a role model in at least the character aspect. Idek anymore.

I guess in short, I thought I could start becoming “an adult” this year, or at least what I always thought an adult was. I still feel like a kid, even if I have a job, work in the National Guard, work on my own vehicles and have my own hobbies, take care of my own household, everything. None of it really makes me feel like I’ve grown up on the inside. When I remember what my parents were like at this age, I cannot even fathom being like they were now. They both tried to balance multiple jobs and school, sometimes being on opposite shifts, being frugal with money in order to provide for the family. Meanwhile, I’m fortunate enough to buy things on a whim, and don’t have that stress of wondering if the next paycheck will cover everything. I remember my parents in their 20s were reliable, always looking like (to me) they had an answer for many problems we’d face. If they didn’t, they were able to come up with a solution. There’s so much more that I can’t even describe or put into words, but there was just something about them I always looked up to. I’m sure if you asked my parents, they’d agree they did NOT have all the answers, and were just trying to make things work with what they had. Either way, I want to become more like them.

Three-ish more months to go this year. I think I can make it, and you can too! I wonder how much can change in three months. I know a lot has changed in just a year! I promise, to you or me or whoever, that I’m going to start working on changing who I am rather than what I have.

Sorry, no pictures for this post. Just some mumbo jumbo that feels better to get out of my head! Next time for sure, I’ll try to get some pictures (you know I’m not a picture guy!)